04/13/2010 Adoption Disruptions . . .

Before I share my random thoughts and opinions on disruptions . . . I want say that we love and respect and believe in both our placement and home study agencies, the directors and workers. Any negative feelings or thoughts shared are about the adoptive/adoption system itself. And I want to add that our personal adoption experience has been amazing and we have awesome children – as you can see by our blog. And yes, we have our fair share of issues – we are definitely not in denial.

So, while doing what many people were probably doing today – internet searching for anything on the very recent disruption of the little 7 year old boy adopted from Russia – I ran across a forum of women who, like many, are disturbed about the events surrounding this little boy. But what disturbed me reading this was the violence these women shared of what they would like to do to that adoptive mom. They demonized the mother and referred to the boy sympathetically as “Damien.”

While some or all of the women mentioned above were directly related to an adoption, many people who have these negative feelings on what happened have no direct connection to adoption at all. I want to encourage anyone who might pass judgment too not be too harsh on mother or child unless those shoes have been personally walked in. For truly, we don’t know what we would do unless we did.

Adoption Disruption – what are my views? I am not an expert. I do not hold a psychology, social worker, human services or other type degree. I only have my own experience of adopting two children internationally.

For personal background . . . for each of our adoptions, John and I had a home study, three or more types of background checks, a stranger came into our home to visit it, look at it and ask us personal questions, physical exams and doctor reports, bank statements and a letter from a bank to prove we were financially able to feed and clothe a child, proof of city water and electricity, proof of employment – letters from our bosses that outlined our income and our job security, letters from friends and family noting that we were good people and the list goes on. We also had to take about 10 or so parenting courses (CPR, travel, physical health of internationally adopted children, developmental delays, cultural differences, etc.) If someone wanting to get pregnant had to answer any of the questions above – it would be considered against their “civil rights” (but I digress). I share all this because it is not easy to adopt. Our (adoptive parents) lives are under scrutiny before we even begin to consider being a parent.

So, what in my personal non-expert opinion went wrong with this or any disruption? Why not demonize the mother in this situation? Who is to blame? Should someone or something be blamed? Maybe? Probably? I have to admit that my first gut instinct and reaction was to say, “how could she?” Anytime a child is hurt, injured, abandoned – we want to first blame the person closest to them . . . how could they: leave a gun in their reach? Shake such an innocent baby? Leave a precious baby alone at the hospital and walk away? Put her in the trash in the college dorm? How could they?

But in this case – it was an adoptive mom, someone who I would assume really wanted to parent (to some degree) an at risk child. I would assume she paid over 25,000 U.S. dollars. I would assume she made two separate trips to Russia for this adoption. I would assume her life was looked at much like I described above – background checks, etc. I assume she had some kind of passion for children. I assume she was not an evil person. I assume she was not a bad person. I want to only assume the best about her intentions. Why did she choose to adopt? What was on her mind? What could possess her to send a 7-year-old boy, only in her care for six months, back to Russia?

If I were to place blame, I would blame it on the “general” system and lack of education.

While John and I were having all aspects of our lives studied, and we had to attend parenting classes, and we were given a list of articles to read and a list of books to buy or check out, we were really never ever forced to look at what happens to a child emotionally? What they go through when they are abandoned? What it means? Were they ever given a chance to love someone or attach to someone? What was their prenatal care like? Were they abused? Neglected? Left in a crib to cry for long periods of time? Our agencies did not prepare us for any of these “what-ifs” beyond just touching on the topics briefly.

To the credit of some close friends, we were given opportunities to look at attachment and bonding issues, sensory issues, reactive attachment disorder, and other more intense potential issues we could face as adoptive parents of internationally adopted children. We were also open to suggestions of our initial care of our children. For example, we were very intentional to not let others hold our children, feed them, diaper them, bathe them, rock them or spend time with them outside of their visual sight of us for quite a long time.

And so, we (adoptive parents) come home from a foreign country, with a baby or child on a different time zone and sleep schedule; and quite possibly while in their country of birth we (adoptive parents) get stomach bugs or other horrific travelers illness, lose weight, etc. AND there is also some science behind the fact that adoptive moms may also experience some type of post-partum depression – which can last for some time.

And with all that . . . all that baggage just from travels alone, we (adoptive parents) really have never been truly prepared for what many parents face when arriving home with very very hurt children, angry children, physically violent children. And we also don’t want to face the fact that children hurt children. Sometimes an older adopted child can hurt other children already living in the home.

And so, while I really can’t speak on Russian adoptions and children, and I believe most internationally adopted children do not come home as the worst of the worse; I do believe it is probably the worst nightmare to live through and experience as parents if they do. So I don’t want to demonize the parent.

It is all very scary. And every potential adoptive parent should be educated on what the scariest scenario could be. And every adoptive parent should be educated on resources and what to do in case of an unexpected emergency related to adoption. Parents should be taught that they are not alone. They are not failures if their kids do have problems and they need outside help. If adoptive parents are taught this and more before placement then maybe, just maybe this little 7-year-old boy could still be with the mom who adopted him. Maybe other adopted children who have died at the hands of their parents would still be alive. Maybe, just maybe . . .

Adoption is not for the faint at heart or mind. So – in my non-expert opinion, if there is blame to be placed – I blame the fact that adoptive parents are not really educated and prepared for the “worst of the worse.”